For those that don't know, Brad and I have been trying for a few months now to get pregnant. We got pregnant with Aiden so easily, it seems like it is taking forever this time around. Every month, once I've ovulated and we're waiting the two weeks to find out if we've gotten pregnant that month, it feels like an ETERNITY! All of the "what ifs" begin creeping in and I worry that it will never to happen. I know, I know...I shouldn't worry. Everyone tells you, relax, don't worry about it, it'll happen when it happens.... But what they don't understand is that life isn't that simple.
My entire adult life, I have been a planner. I plan everything. (Now, whether I have the discipline/time/energy to stick to my plan, that's another story....) I make millions of lists of the things I need to take care of. I constantly obsess over the details and worry about things like budgets and keeping things organized. At any given moment, I am thinking about the 50 things I need to accomplish and how I'm ever going to get them all done AND manage to sleep. Don't get me wrong--I haven't fallen off the OCD wagon--I don't obsess about every detail, I don't usually sweat the small stuff, I know when to throw the plan out the window and just enjoy life, but I do worry and obsess about the big, important things in our lives. So, for me, it is impossible to NOT try to plan this all-important occasion. We're talking about adding another member to our family--about creating a human being--and people can't understand why I might be a little concerned about this?? My whole life, I've succeeded by taking the reigns and making things happen. I want a baby, so I start charting my temps, stock up on ovulation predictors, and try to figure out any and every way I can have some sort of control over the process. I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling powerless, so how do I regain some semblance of control over a process I really have little say in? I chart, I plan, and I worry. Yes, its is futile and possibly even counter-productive--but if any of you can really show me how to go back 30 years and change my core personality, then I welcome your suggestions. I didn't work my way through college and law school by just relaxing and letting things happen--I worked hard at it and did everything in my power to make sure I succeeded. So I can't help but try to replicate that same method of success when it comes to having a baby. Maybe that makes me a little crazy, but then, I never did claim to be fully sane! :)